I challenge Dorothy Park - for me, the two most perfect words in the English language are not 'cellar door' but 'afternoon tea'. Or 'another gin', I haven't quite decided.
If you can't afford (or book) the Ritz, and the Wolseley's too packed, head three minutes down the road to St James Street where a former bank building is in danger of making cakes rather than drunk bankers, its true artistic calling.
Bored of the gym? Fancy having a bit of a run outdoors? If you start training now you should be in great shape for the Royal Parks half marathon in two months time.
Starting and finishing in Hyde Park there will be lots of food stalls and things to do in between the run itself on October 12, so if you fancy a nice autumnal jog through some of London's most beautiful areas, sign up here.
TOMORROW
Hear Rufus Wainwright up close and personal
The operatic singer-songwriter (pictured) will play a solo show for two consecutive nights as part of the Hampton Court Palace Festival.
Hampton Court Palace, Surrey, KT8 9AU, 0844 482 7777, 9pm, £65-69.50
Watch a Milos Forman double bill
Watch ‘Ragtime’ and ‘A Blonde In Love’, two lesser-known films from the Czech director who won Oscars for ‘Amadeus’ and ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’.
Riverside Studios, Crisp Road, W6, 020 8237 1111, from 6.05pm, £7.50
Hear from the Orange New Writing Prize nominees
Awards judge Shami Chakrabarti and broadcaster Penny Smith will talk to the nominees about getting published, whether writing can be taught and the politics of prize-giving.
Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1, 0871 663 2501, 7.45pm, £7.59
Go to an old-style birthday party
Retro clubnight crew Oh My God! I Miss You are back with a new night themed as a kid’s birthday party. Dress code: party dresses, clowns, cowboys and Indians, mums in aprons, dads in jumpers.
Birthday Party!, BGWMC, 44-46 Pollard Row, E2, 020 7739 2727, 9pm - 2am, £8
See the genius behind five Björk records
Icelandic producer Valgeir Sigurdsson has also worked with Camille, Bonnie “Prince” Billy and Mùm. Grab this opportunity to see his solo electronica.
Chapel of the House of St Barnabas, 1 Greek Street, W1, myspace.com/valgeirs, 7pm, £8-10
Dance to dubstep at the Amersham
Kode9 will be playing a live headline set at this dubstep, garage and drum and bass night that will also see Benga, Oneman, DJ Premz and Paste behind the decks.
Amersham Arms, 388 New Cross Road, SE14, 020 8469 1499, 9pm-3am, £6
And three things to do tomorrow (Saturday) after the jump...
Hear foot-stomping, roof-raising gospel music
More than 2,000 children and adults from across the country make up iGospel, who’ll be singing along with a 16-piece band at this uplifting event. Sing Inspiration! Royal Festival Hall, Southbank Centre, SE1, 0871 663 2500, 7pm, £12-15
Eat cheese as you dance to techno
Allez-Allez DJ James Holden will be playing his usual mix of electronica and techno in the basement of Swiss joint St Moritz, and fondue will be served to clubbers (for real). Fondue Fun-Do, St Moritz, 161 Wardour Street, W1, 020 7437 0525, 9pm-3am, £5
Check out new Blondie-eqsue band Hansom Pilot
The female-fronted five-piece, who’ve clearly been weaned on PJ Harvey and Blondie, will be playing on Brick Lane tonight. Check out why they were shortlisted for ITV’s Best Unsigned Band. Hansom Pilot, 93 Feet East, 150 Brick Lane, E1, www.wegottickets.com, £5-7
Watch arty Czech movie Daisies
This 1966 film by director Vera Chytilova follows two sisters, Jezinka and Jarmila, who engage in rebellious pranks. A Ladyfest fundraiser.
Daisies, Bar Prague, 6 Kingsland Road, E2, myspace.com/ladyfestlondon, 7.30pm, £3
Take a good look at anti-capitalist art
Madrid-based artists Pablo San-Jose and Cynthia Viera attack
capitalism with installations that reappropriate brand logos.
Made by Slaves For Free People, Riflemaker, 79 Beak Street, W1, 020 7439 0000, 10am-6pm, free
See Terry Fincher’s photo reportage
Fincher won Press Photographer of the Year a record four times. Find out why at this fascinating exhibition
of his work.
Tempus Fugit, 46 Eastcastle Street, W1,
020 7291 5380,
10am-6.30pm, free
See a play about a culture clash
Mike Bartlett’s new play follows what happens when a 16-year-old girl’s father shows up with a priceless antique from Baghdad.
Artefacts, The Bush Theatre, Shepherd’s Bush Green, W12, 020 7610 4224, 7pm,
£10-£15
Listen to slam poet Saul Williams
The poet will be doing a spoken word set alongside hip UK upstarts Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip and Polar Bear, with turntablism from Charlie Dark.
Saul Williams, Cargo, 83 Rivington Street, EC2, 7pm, £15
Watch Metronomy at the ICA 
Cult electro artist Joseph Mount, who has remixed bands such as Klaxons and Ladytron, and Kate Nash, brings bleepy dance music to the ICA. Support comes in the form of Primary 1.
Metronomy, ICA, The Mall, SW1, 020 7930 3647, 7.30pm, £8.50
Yay Metronomy! This is where I'm going tonight. Click here to witness their ace face painting and genius tunesmithery. Their new single My Heart Rate Rapid will be available to download from March 31. It's the first cut from their forthcoming second album Nights Out.
FRIDAY and SATURDAY
Rock with Mark Ronson, The Ruble Strips, Dan Le Sac vs Scroobius Pip
The DJ, producer and remixer plays tracks from his new album, Version, from 7pm there's a band and guests at Hammersmith Apollo, Queen Caroline Street, W6, 0870 400 0700, £18.50.
Laugh yourself silly with Wil Hodgson
Stand-up and anecdotes from the one-time punk rocker from 8pm at Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1, 0870 429 6883, £10-£12.
SUNDAY
Metal up with Megadeth
Platinum-selling metallers are set to seriously smash up Carling Academy, Stockwell Road, SW9 /BR211 0844 477 2000, 7pm, £20.
Hear the sound of a French music star
Electro star Sebastien Tellier will showcase tracks from new album Sexuality, which mixes 80s pop, synths, disco and classical. Email info@roughtrade.com for guestlist.
Sebastian Tellier, Rough Trade East, 91 Brick Lane, 020 7392 7788, 7pm, free
Dance to upbeat Euro folk-pop
German musician and DJ Shantel (inset) is known for his remixes of Balkan music with electronic beats. Go and see for yourself.
Shantel and the Bucovina Club Orkestar, Koko, 1A Camden High Street, NW1, 0870 432 5527, 7pm, admission £16
See a former punk do some stand-up
Perrier-winning comic and ex-punk Wil Hodgson is back in London with his solo show, Straight Outta Chippenham.
Wil Hodgson, Soho Theatre, 21 Dean Street, W1, 0870 429 6883, 8pm, £12
See chandeliers inspired by the Chinese
Hoxton Hall, an unrestored Victorian music hall, is raising funds for an overhaul to protect its future. Swing by to see
a window display of baroque chandeliers designed by Lisa Cheung.
Lisa Cheung, Hoxton Hall, 130 Hoxton Street, N1, 020 7684 0060, www.hoxtonhall.co.uk, viewable 24/7, free
Watch Royal Ballet perform Chroma
There are only a few days left to see the Royal Ballet’s dance, with
minimalist set design and a score featuring the mighty White Stripes.
Chroma/Different Drummer/Rite of Spring,
Royal Opera House, Bow Street, 020 7304 4000, 7.30pm, £44-£55
Hear Matthew Darbyshire explain his art
The Royal Academy graduate will talk of his first London solo show Blades House. There will then be a design discussion.
Matthew Darbyshire, Gasworks, 155 Vauxhall Street, SE`11, 020 7582 6848, 6.30pm, free
