Uma off the market

Uma Thurman is apparently engaged to Elle Macpherson's ex, Arpad 'Arki' Busson, despite the fact that they've only been dating since the summer.

A source said: "They have only been together a few months, but Arpad was determined to snap Uma up as quickly as possible."

Snap her up? Like a sofa suite? Or a nice little cashmere cardie on sale at Whistles?

Ah Uma. Those pillowy lips, the Nordic slant of your cheek bones, that scene in The Adventures of Baron Munchausen when you played Venus wearing nothing but strategically placed head hair. The one time wife of Gary Oldman and Ethan Hawke. The Acacemy Award nominated 37-year-old mother of two.

Anything has got to be better than Elle. Just take a look at this video of 'The Body' (what an accolade) publicising her new knicker range.

One of the most dramatically unsexy displays of sexuality I've even seen. Whoever buys Elle's lingerie has definitely not seen this.